literature

Chuck Norris Facts Mass Effect

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Literature Text

Mass Effect Chuck Norris-isms.


Because I have nothing better to do with my time.


Chuck Norris is considered an Ardat-Yakshi by the Asari, because no one who has ever mated with Chuck has lived.

The only exception to that is when he had a baby with an Asari. Instead of it being another Asari, she gave birth to another Chuck Norris, who roundhouse kicked his way out of her womb. That's right, Chuck is his own father.

The real Genophage is not altered hormonal levels. It's a virus that makes it so that whenever the Krogans try to mate, they think of Chuck Norris, and the fear that is summoned by this image kills the mood.

The reason why the Reapers wait fifty thousand years between cullings is to see if Chuck Norris is dead of old age. Unfortunately, Chuck can never die.

The reason why the Reapers leave the galaxy is not by their choice. Chuck roundhouse kicks each and every Reaper into Dark Space.

Mass Relays are the Reaper's attempt to simulate what would happen to a ship if it was kicked by Chuck. Seeing how it is instantly propelled halfway across the galaxy, they decided to use this for transportation.

Chuck Norris has indoctrinated a Reaper.

The reason why activating unknown relays is illegal is not due to the Rachni. It is due to the fact that once, one was opened up, and on the other side was Chuck Norris.

Salarians can age beyond 40. It's just that, if you're a Salarian, and you hit 41, Chuck Norris will find and kill you.

Turians faces used to be one solid piece of metal/cartilage. Chuck facepunched an early Turian in the face so hard, though, that even today the pieces are not one single plate.

Geth Heretics worship the Reapers. Main Faction Geth worship Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris assumed direct control over the Collector General.

One day, on the Citadel, Chuck spat out a piece of his gum. This piece of gum was raised by the Hanar and became Blasto, the First Hanar Spectre.

Volus wear their suits to escape the piercing gaze of Norris so that they do not catch fire in his presence. This has never worked.

Quarians have worn suits because of the risk of viral infection. This is not because the conditions on the ship made it as such, but because in retaliation for the Quarians enslaving the Geth, he roundhouse-kicked the immune systems out of them.

Batarians are considered the unluckiest species in the Galaxy, because with twice as many eyes, they can see Chuck coming towards them twice as well.

Shortly after the destruction of the Collector Base in Mass Effect 2, the Turian counselor doubted the existence of Chuck Norris, using those air-finger-quote things. He will not be returning for Mass Effect 3.

Chuck Norris is immune to Biotics. He is also immune to incineration, cryo blasts, acid, and bullets.

The Illusive Man once saw Chuck's abs. The sight was so amazing that his eyes were destroyed. That's why he has those artificial eyes.

Nobody f***s with Aria. Except Chuck Norris.

Elcor Hamlet can be performed entirely by Chuck Norris in one hour.

Chuck Norris once had to take a dump in an abandoned Quarian colony. Unfortunately, there were no working bathrooms, so Chuck scooped it up, put it into a paper bag, and threw it into the sun (because if there's one thing Chuck hates, it's litter.) This is why Haestrom's sun is dying.

The Reapers don't scan for technological advancement alone. They scan for technological advancement and the species not destroyed by Chuck Norris.

Have you ever wondered how every single star system has an asteroid belt in it? Chuck hasn't.

Chuck can eat both regular and dextro-amino foods.

Ryncol is Krogan liquor. It's said to go down like ground glass and will make you show up on any radiological detectors. Krogan are the only ones who can drink it safely. Ryncol is just synthesized Chuck Norris sweat.

Chuck doesn't need to scan for resources. He just glares at the planet and it mines them for him.

The Reapers tried to turn Chuck into a husk. It backfired, and there is now a Reaper husk.
Pretty much what it says.


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InfiniteRespect's avatar
This made me chuckle!